Thank goodness this year is almost over.
Usually, this is the time of year when I express gratitude as I prepare to reflect on another year with Earbaby. She's growing up, getting her mind ready to move out of our house and onto a new life somewhere in a galaxy, or state, far, far, away. Her last football game as a high school cheerleader was Thanksgiving morning, and although she still has one more cheer competition to go, her days in the short-skirted black, white and gold uniform are virtually over. Could it really have been three years since that all started?
She's nostalgic for these games, and this year's group of cheerleaders were actually cheerful with each other and fairly drama free. And here's my thanks: No more sitting on cold aluminum benches watching her shiver and pretty much be oblivious to the game and team she was cheering for. As a football fan, I enjoyed the games. Last year's work buyout gave me a chance to see all of this year's contests. There were plenty played in cold, drizzly rain. I won't soon miss that.
We had some good times this year and I'm grateful for the trip to Ireland we took with EB's school group, but as a family. My husband and I reconnected on our love of traveling, and EB didn't mind having her parents around, especially when she needed money.
And I was able to go home for Mother's Day, which fell on my mother's birthday. Being jobless also meant I could take off for a weekend, and it ended up being a party as my mother turned 93, surrounded by all three daughters, her favorite niece and great niece and nephews. Although she couldn't see anyone, having gone completely blind a few years ago, I could see how happy she was to have family there with her, laughing, making jokes, and catching up. I'll be back for my first Christmas home in decades. Who knows how many more Christmases we'll have with Mama? I'll be especially grateful if she is able to hear her youngest grandchild, EB, graduate from high school in the spring. Graduations are big deals in my family.
It's been a strange, sad year though. Of course there were highs, the weekend trips, the vacation and even the fun and frustrations as EB starts her college search. She has already been accepted at my Alma Mater, one of her safety schools. She commented that even if she doesn't go there, she now can relax, knowing she will be going somewhere. She's not stressing any more about not getting in to school. And even better, it's far, far away.
One sadness didn't seem sad until after it was all over. It was EB's first beau. Her first foray into the serious dating and relationship scene was too secretive, too intense, and in the end, too tragic. It ended badly, she came away with few good memories, a lot of bad ones and mountains of regrets she ever even met him. He in turn became mean, vindictive, and possibly even dangerous. Her lack of experience and his lack of maturity was a bad combination. She relied on relationship advice from friends who knew less about how to have healthy relationships than she did (the saying blind leading the blind was never truer), and is only now starting to rediscover herself and her former friends she abandoned to please him. But she also has to learn consequences of untrustworthy behavior: Once trust is lost, it can't easily be regained.
The silver lining is that all the bad decisions she made, she had to own up to them while under our roof. She found out she doesn't know as much as she thought (or pretended she did), and some bad decisions can't be undone, they just have to be overcome. It was a bad year for friendship for her. Her three closest friends violated her trust. So she also reaped what she sowed.
Losing one of my closest friends from childhood was a really dark cloud. It put the reality of my own mortality at front and center. Or maybe it also hit me at the worst time because my full year of pay came to an end, and months of sending out resumes and interviewing with employment agencies hadn't netted me a job. I was panicked and starting to sink into depression.
However, I'm ending this month thankful. Almost from right out of the sky, I found a new job, recruited, wooed, and hired by a former colleague. I'm back in the workforce, part time, but still making a decent salary. Yes, I'm back on nights, but the nights are shorter, some nights I'll be working remotely from the office of my own kitchen, and I found a new purpose with new responsibilities.
There are still challenges ahead for us. EB has to get through the rest of the school year, and make this last one count. I have to let go of my own hurt and anger over the lost months with her, and step into a new role in a new job. We all need to appreciate the time we have together, even as it gets closer to coming to an end, at least the day-to-day part of it. It feels like everything new is new again. Mixed blessings, indeed.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Monday, October 31, 2016
The scariest season
So we're putting a period on another month. Without a doubt October is a time where we bump into ghosts, ghouls, creatures of the night -- and the scariest part for a student in her senior year -- the college application process.
Earbaby is ready to begin the last leg of her journey of separation from the home, friends, family and community she has known her entire life.
The process won't be easy.
The first part of the separation was the breakup between EB and her ICB. It was destined to be a heartbreaker. First loves, with their too-hot, all-encompassing intensity, always are. But this one got ugly. ICB, who wanted to hold onto EB's every waking hour, even though he was two hours away in college, became too much of a burden on her sanity, her freedom, and her wellbeing. By the time it was all over ICB had become incredibly sinister, threatening, mean, and we actually thought the authorities would have to get involved. That nuclear option so far hasn't been needed, but EB was scarred and scared by the hard lessons she had to learn.
Luckily that was offset by the reintroduction to her own school friends, ones who had disappeared during the summer of needless isolation and bad choices. Going back to school was the best remedy for a broken heart. Realizing that all the people who have betrayed her in the previous year, not only ICB, but Brenda and Maria as well, made her question her own generosity and compassion. Getting back to the people who have always loved her, helps restore her faith and confidence.
It's difficult when an only child tries to share the good fortune she was born into. She shared her home, her life and her heart with people who didn't deserve it and aren't worthy. Once again, I don't want her to grow up thinking no good deed goes unpunished, so giving to others is permanently off the table. We are helping her pick up the pieces after a long broken year. She will live, love and laugh fully again. I just hope she will be more discriminating with the next person, or people she gives her heart to. I have to teach her the red flags she refused to see and let her know that walking out of bad situations is always an option.
But the uncoupling was only part of the scary season. Another part was figuring out just what EB is looking for as a college experience. We took a trip to the Midwest to visit my alma mater over the Columbus holiday weekend, and the trip came out better than expected. My old college is a Div. 1 school in a country town that is all university, all the time. A football game in a stadium of 55,000 people, a marching band of a few hundred, a goofy fight song or two, and EB, if not completely sold on being a legacy, is at least applying as one of her "safety schools." Odder still, her dad, who is quite the East Coast snob in his own way (Don't go there, you'll become a farmer, he used to say to EB), actually came away much more impressed with the school than he would have thought. One day he took a lone drive out to the prairie and was charmed by all the acres and miles of nothingness. He's a city kid who grew up with people living on top of each other.
EB acknowledges that my state U is out of her comfort zone, but is also considering that she may need to get out of her comfort zone in order to grow. She's also considering historically black colleges and universities, a school in San Francisco and yet another in Montreal. The sky's the limit, even if the money's not.
Some of her reach schools have tuition upwards of $60,000 a year. And even though we've been diligent about saving for her college fund, that's out of our reach without financial aid. And the price of doing well with two full professional salaries last year means there may be few, if any need-based scholarships or grants available. Although since we live in such an expensive state, EB could actually pay less to go out of state, even with the added cost, than she might at some of the state schools here.
In the meantime, as we try to work our way through this baffling college process, we have her school advisor and counselor trying to convince her to apply to state schools. They would like these kids to apply to 10. With the applications costing an average of $40 a pop, that's $400, much of it wasted on schools where she has no desire or intention of going. And there would be no fee waiver for us. So I told her to hold off on applying to some of these nonstarters. See where you get in first. If you find you haven't gotten accepted at a school you could see yourself at, then apply to a state safety school with an eye toward transferring after a year. It's difficult and frustrating trying to help your child figure out what her needs are when counselors are only looking at what their experiences have been, and guiding her through the lenses of their choices.
It's all scary. EB is still dancing several days a week, cheering several days a week, babysitting as a regular gig and juggling two Advanced Placement classes and one advanced math class. Oh yes, and trying to enjoy this, her last year at the school she came into at the age of 12. She goes full out almost every single day.
This scary month is over. But the chills, thrills, and spills may have just begun.
Trick or treat.
Earbaby is ready to begin the last leg of her journey of separation from the home, friends, family and community she has known her entire life.
The process won't be easy.
The first part of the separation was the breakup between EB and her ICB. It was destined to be a heartbreaker. First loves, with their too-hot, all-encompassing intensity, always are. But this one got ugly. ICB, who wanted to hold onto EB's every waking hour, even though he was two hours away in college, became too much of a burden on her sanity, her freedom, and her wellbeing. By the time it was all over ICB had become incredibly sinister, threatening, mean, and we actually thought the authorities would have to get involved. That nuclear option so far hasn't been needed, but EB was scarred and scared by the hard lessons she had to learn.
Luckily that was offset by the reintroduction to her own school friends, ones who had disappeared during the summer of needless isolation and bad choices. Going back to school was the best remedy for a broken heart. Realizing that all the people who have betrayed her in the previous year, not only ICB, but Brenda and Maria as well, made her question her own generosity and compassion. Getting back to the people who have always loved her, helps restore her faith and confidence.
It's difficult when an only child tries to share the good fortune she was born into. She shared her home, her life and her heart with people who didn't deserve it and aren't worthy. Once again, I don't want her to grow up thinking no good deed goes unpunished, so giving to others is permanently off the table. We are helping her pick up the pieces after a long broken year. She will live, love and laugh fully again. I just hope she will be more discriminating with the next person, or people she gives her heart to. I have to teach her the red flags she refused to see and let her know that walking out of bad situations is always an option.
But the uncoupling was only part of the scary season. Another part was figuring out just what EB is looking for as a college experience. We took a trip to the Midwest to visit my alma mater over the Columbus holiday weekend, and the trip came out better than expected. My old college is a Div. 1 school in a country town that is all university, all the time. A football game in a stadium of 55,000 people, a marching band of a few hundred, a goofy fight song or two, and EB, if not completely sold on being a legacy, is at least applying as one of her "safety schools." Odder still, her dad, who is quite the East Coast snob in his own way (Don't go there, you'll become a farmer, he used to say to EB), actually came away much more impressed with the school than he would have thought. One day he took a lone drive out to the prairie and was charmed by all the acres and miles of nothingness. He's a city kid who grew up with people living on top of each other.
EB acknowledges that my state U is out of her comfort zone, but is also considering that she may need to get out of her comfort zone in order to grow. She's also considering historically black colleges and universities, a school in San Francisco and yet another in Montreal. The sky's the limit, even if the money's not.
Some of her reach schools have tuition upwards of $60,000 a year. And even though we've been diligent about saving for her college fund, that's out of our reach without financial aid. And the price of doing well with two full professional salaries last year means there may be few, if any need-based scholarships or grants available. Although since we live in such an expensive state, EB could actually pay less to go out of state, even with the added cost, than she might at some of the state schools here.
In the meantime, as we try to work our way through this baffling college process, we have her school advisor and counselor trying to convince her to apply to state schools. They would like these kids to apply to 10. With the applications costing an average of $40 a pop, that's $400, much of it wasted on schools where she has no desire or intention of going. And there would be no fee waiver for us. So I told her to hold off on applying to some of these nonstarters. See where you get in first. If you find you haven't gotten accepted at a school you could see yourself at, then apply to a state safety school with an eye toward transferring after a year. It's difficult and frustrating trying to help your child figure out what her needs are when counselors are only looking at what their experiences have been, and guiding her through the lenses of their choices.
It's all scary. EB is still dancing several days a week, cheering several days a week, babysitting as a regular gig and juggling two Advanced Placement classes and one advanced math class. Oh yes, and trying to enjoy this, her last year at the school she came into at the age of 12. She goes full out almost every single day.
This scary month is over. But the chills, thrills, and spills may have just begun.
Trick or treat.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Disappearing acts?
As we head into the final full month of summer, I'm struck by how different things are this year from last. Not working has changed so many perspectives both for Earbaby and me. For one, I've become a full-time chauffeur, and that fall weekend where EB pleaded with me to take the company's buyout so we could have more time together is a long-gone memory. It was great in concept, but it was also before the Incredibly Cute Boyfriend became such an integral part of her social life.
So it will be as interesting in the month ahead as it has been in the previous one to see how EB's relationship plays out with ICB. Can we say separation anxiety?
It all started with the end of school. Our little family unit of three, EB, her dad and I, took a trip to Ireland and Scotland with her school group. It actually was EB's idea a couple of years ago, after her foray into Paris and Rome. The teacher who leads these EF Tours is amazing and EB had such a great, fun and safe time on the last trip, we figured we could go as a family to at least her dad's "homeland." (At least kind of, his family is from the other side of the island.) We went to Dublin, Belfast, and Edinburgh, Scotland. And although her dad and I were on the same trip, we didn't try to cramp her style. She always roomed with her friends and most times hung out with them. A few times she wandered over to spend some time with us, but we didn't want to spend time "parenting" her. She had done just fine without us in Paris and Rome two years ago; she didn't need us checking up to see if she was eating her vegetables and getting enough sleep.
The only hiccup in the trip was EB's burying her head in her phone, staying in touch with friends (especially ICB) every day despite the time difference. We had an international plan for emergencies, but EB assured us she was only using WiFi to communicate. Well, we all found out differently when the bill came a couple of weeks after we got back. There is no WiFi chatting or Face timing on our model of phone, and the international minutes bill came up to more than $1,300! After her dad hit the roof and left the bill for me to see, I took a closer look. Turned out the international plan hadn't been implemented, so a call to the carrier revealed the error and almost $1,000 was taken off. Problem solved, but I still made them both say out loud, that yes, I am a Queen.
But it also showed the intensity of the relationship. It doesn't seem dangerous, manipulative, or coercive. But she had to see him the day we came home. We got in July 4th and she must have been jet lagged. And it was like that practically every day, except when she went to a concert with a girlfriend. Then he and his mom went on vacation. They hung out every day after work before he went, even the night before, despite his early morning flight. Exasperated, I told her she had to come home, he was going on vacation for a week, not off to war!
And yes, they were communicating every day while he and his mom were in London and Paris and she and I picked them up from the airport (we live very close by) when they returned. I am trying to be sensitive to the fact that he is getting ready to go away to college and their lives will change quite a bit in another month. I know I can't shield either of them from what might inevitably end in heartbreak, but I would like to see more of an expansion in their friendship base. When she stays out later than she says she will (1 or 2 a.m. is unacceptable even in the summer), she comes home with a pissy attitude. When she does go out with others, or when he spends time with his friends, she is more open and less defensive and sullen about coming home at a decent time.
And there is the hiding. Before ICB, she would have friends, both male and female come over to the house. It wasn't unusual for her to ask if friends could sleep over. But that was also before her irreparable falling out with both Brenda and Maria. She has a new BFF in a lovely girl, Charisse, so I'm not too worried about the full isolation. EB tells me she doesn't bring ICB around (and even he wants to get to know us a little better) because her dad is too corny and tries too hard, and she thinks I might "bother them" with snacks or whatever. I think it's because she is embarrassed and self conscious about just how much she cares about him. Am I worried that this relationship includes risky behaviors like drugs, alcohol or (gasp!) sex? Honestly, I don't know. EB knows all the dangers and consequences and I have to at this point trust her to make intelligent choices. If she makes all the wrong choices, well, those will be hard lessons learned.
No matter. I would have liked us to spend more time together before I find another job. This summer has been a waste in that department and I have sometimes wished I had ignored those pleas to spend more time as a family and just kept working. I actually do acknowledge the intensity of first love and I even understand she needs to detach from us. As we start our college search season, I'm preparing myself for her exit from the nest. I just wish she didn't feel the need to poison it first.
So it will be as interesting in the month ahead as it has been in the previous one to see how EB's relationship plays out with ICB. Can we say separation anxiety?
It all started with the end of school. Our little family unit of three, EB, her dad and I, took a trip to Ireland and Scotland with her school group. It actually was EB's idea a couple of years ago, after her foray into Paris and Rome. The teacher who leads these EF Tours is amazing and EB had such a great, fun and safe time on the last trip, we figured we could go as a family to at least her dad's "homeland." (At least kind of, his family is from the other side of the island.) We went to Dublin, Belfast, and Edinburgh, Scotland. And although her dad and I were on the same trip, we didn't try to cramp her style. She always roomed with her friends and most times hung out with them. A few times she wandered over to spend some time with us, but we didn't want to spend time "parenting" her. She had done just fine without us in Paris and Rome two years ago; she didn't need us checking up to see if she was eating her vegetables and getting enough sleep.
The only hiccup in the trip was EB's burying her head in her phone, staying in touch with friends (especially ICB) every day despite the time difference. We had an international plan for emergencies, but EB assured us she was only using WiFi to communicate. Well, we all found out differently when the bill came a couple of weeks after we got back. There is no WiFi chatting or Face timing on our model of phone, and the international minutes bill came up to more than $1,300! After her dad hit the roof and left the bill for me to see, I took a closer look. Turned out the international plan hadn't been implemented, so a call to the carrier revealed the error and almost $1,000 was taken off. Problem solved, but I still made them both say out loud, that yes, I am a Queen.
But it also showed the intensity of the relationship. It doesn't seem dangerous, manipulative, or coercive. But she had to see him the day we came home. We got in July 4th and she must have been jet lagged. And it was like that practically every day, except when she went to a concert with a girlfriend. Then he and his mom went on vacation. They hung out every day after work before he went, even the night before, despite his early morning flight. Exasperated, I told her she had to come home, he was going on vacation for a week, not off to war!
And yes, they were communicating every day while he and his mom were in London and Paris and she and I picked them up from the airport (we live very close by) when they returned. I am trying to be sensitive to the fact that he is getting ready to go away to college and their lives will change quite a bit in another month. I know I can't shield either of them from what might inevitably end in heartbreak, but I would like to see more of an expansion in their friendship base. When she stays out later than she says she will (1 or 2 a.m. is unacceptable even in the summer), she comes home with a pissy attitude. When she does go out with others, or when he spends time with his friends, she is more open and less defensive and sullen about coming home at a decent time.
And there is the hiding. Before ICB, she would have friends, both male and female come over to the house. It wasn't unusual for her to ask if friends could sleep over. But that was also before her irreparable falling out with both Brenda and Maria. She has a new BFF in a lovely girl, Charisse, so I'm not too worried about the full isolation. EB tells me she doesn't bring ICB around (and even he wants to get to know us a little better) because her dad is too corny and tries too hard, and she thinks I might "bother them" with snacks or whatever. I think it's because she is embarrassed and self conscious about just how much she cares about him. Am I worried that this relationship includes risky behaviors like drugs, alcohol or (gasp!) sex? Honestly, I don't know. EB knows all the dangers and consequences and I have to at this point trust her to make intelligent choices. If she makes all the wrong choices, well, those will be hard lessons learned.
No matter. I would have liked us to spend more time together before I find another job. This summer has been a waste in that department and I have sometimes wished I had ignored those pleas to spend more time as a family and just kept working. I actually do acknowledge the intensity of first love and I even understand she needs to detach from us. As we start our college search season, I'm preparing myself for her exit from the nest. I just wish she didn't feel the need to poison it first.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Lessons learned and silver linings
Summer's in, school's out and Earbaby is officially a Rising Senior.
Wow, where did junior year go?
I know time has moved the same rate as always, but it really seems that this, EB's penultimate high school year, just flew by. Maybe it was because I was able to be somewhat more present for it since I took the buyout from my job in October. Or because we only had a couple of big snows this winter after the hellish storms of early 2015. When I could be truly grateful I didn't have to venture out into the raging snowstorms, it didn't happen. But I was still grateful I could stay in those few cold nights I would have had to worry about scraping ice off my windshield and trying to charge up a partially shoveled driveway in the middle of the night.
I never could have predicted how the last four months of the school season would go. Having another teenager in the house changed so many dynamics. Sadly, it didn't end well. But thankfully, it did end.
And that's where a few of our best lessons were learned.
I'm hoping that the trials and tribulations of living with Maria won't sour EB on having a big and generous heart. She invited her friend into our home because EB is a child who has never known want. But when you pair someone who has only had stability with someone who hasn't had much at all, the results can be disastrous. Maria was a sweet girl. But she lacked the ability to grasp basic hygiene, both personal and in her surroundings. When one can come into a house and turn a small living space into your most disgusting episode of Hoarders, all the talking and understanding in the world isn't going to help. An agreement, a very small effort toward appeasement, and a day or so later, it was back to intervention time. It got exhausting, exasperating, disgusting, and eventually simply unworkable. When EB finally blew up, the tension in the house could be cut with a knife. Maria and EB had drama from a multitude of things, but even though Maria sincerely tried to repair the damage of that fallout, EB couldn't get past her disgust with the living situation.
Maria had only planned to stay until the end of the school year, so that at least worked out. Still her propensity for lashing out, her terrible judgment, irresponsibility, and poor impulse control showed us all what her true colors are. EB was just too angry to try to work things out with her. They will never be friends again.
By the time Maria came late at night to get her things, EB wouldn't even look at her or say goodbye. The room had to be thoroughly cleaned and she left many of her things to be thrown out. It was a sad sight as she and a friend struggled with two backpacks and a dufflebag to get up the street to catch a bus to a sibling's house. But she didn't want any more help from us. I had been angry too, but I'm a mom first. So when I hugged her goodbye, I whispered that if she ever really needed me, I would be there for her. No one, not even messed-up, emotionally immature teenagers who bite the hands that feed them, should go through life without at least one lifeboat.
I hope that EB doesn't learn the cynical lesson that no good deed goes unpunished. I don't want this episode to sour her on reaching out to people in need. And the silver lining is that when she does go to college in a little more than a year from now, she will be more familiar with the art of conflict resolution, instead of waiting until she just can't stand it anymore. By then I hope her own emotional maturity (and ability for forgiveness) will be better developed.
And I got a silver lining lesson also. One can try really hard, but there's only so much you can do when someone isn't ready, willing or able to receive your help. We were very clear about the rules about cleaning up after yourself and keeping her room clean. But I learned there are some people who truly lack the capacity to either understand what that means or have no self-awareness of how to live with other people. Would I do it again? My heart says yes, my head (and my daughter) say no.
We're also learning lessons about EB's growing independence. She and her incredibly cute boyfriend are still an item, but she still manages to spend time with other friends. With Maria in the house, EB spent as much time as she could outside of it. It bothered me tremendously that she didn't feel comfortable bringing him around because of Maria. With her gone, let's see if that changes things much. There will be separations soon, we'll be going on a vacation and he will be going away to college in the fall. I worry a little about hearts broken, but that will be a lesson learned too. If they can remain friends, or at least friendly after a fashion, this will be a good experience for her.
Then there's the lesson of driving. EB is determined to get her license in the coming months. That would be a boon for all of us, especially when (and if) I find another job. I'm not ready to retire, but while I look for the next opportunity, it will be nice not to have to factor in all her comings and goings and how I have to be responsible for that.
The warm weather beckons. The summer promises dance lessons, driving lessons, trips and college tours. No matter what the future holds, as a family, we're all good.
Wow, where did junior year go?
I know time has moved the same rate as always, but it really seems that this, EB's penultimate high school year, just flew by. Maybe it was because I was able to be somewhat more present for it since I took the buyout from my job in October. Or because we only had a couple of big snows this winter after the hellish storms of early 2015. When I could be truly grateful I didn't have to venture out into the raging snowstorms, it didn't happen. But I was still grateful I could stay in those few cold nights I would have had to worry about scraping ice off my windshield and trying to charge up a partially shoveled driveway in the middle of the night.
I never could have predicted how the last four months of the school season would go. Having another teenager in the house changed so many dynamics. Sadly, it didn't end well. But thankfully, it did end.
And that's where a few of our best lessons were learned.
I'm hoping that the trials and tribulations of living with Maria won't sour EB on having a big and generous heart. She invited her friend into our home because EB is a child who has never known want. But when you pair someone who has only had stability with someone who hasn't had much at all, the results can be disastrous. Maria was a sweet girl. But she lacked the ability to grasp basic hygiene, both personal and in her surroundings. When one can come into a house and turn a small living space into your most disgusting episode of Hoarders, all the talking and understanding in the world isn't going to help. An agreement, a very small effort toward appeasement, and a day or so later, it was back to intervention time. It got exhausting, exasperating, disgusting, and eventually simply unworkable. When EB finally blew up, the tension in the house could be cut with a knife. Maria and EB had drama from a multitude of things, but even though Maria sincerely tried to repair the damage of that fallout, EB couldn't get past her disgust with the living situation.
Maria had only planned to stay until the end of the school year, so that at least worked out. Still her propensity for lashing out, her terrible judgment, irresponsibility, and poor impulse control showed us all what her true colors are. EB was just too angry to try to work things out with her. They will never be friends again.
By the time Maria came late at night to get her things, EB wouldn't even look at her or say goodbye. The room had to be thoroughly cleaned and she left many of her things to be thrown out. It was a sad sight as she and a friend struggled with two backpacks and a dufflebag to get up the street to catch a bus to a sibling's house. But she didn't want any more help from us. I had been angry too, but I'm a mom first. So when I hugged her goodbye, I whispered that if she ever really needed me, I would be there for her. No one, not even messed-up, emotionally immature teenagers who bite the hands that feed them, should go through life without at least one lifeboat.
I hope that EB doesn't learn the cynical lesson that no good deed goes unpunished. I don't want this episode to sour her on reaching out to people in need. And the silver lining is that when she does go to college in a little more than a year from now, she will be more familiar with the art of conflict resolution, instead of waiting until she just can't stand it anymore. By then I hope her own emotional maturity (and ability for forgiveness) will be better developed.
And I got a silver lining lesson also. One can try really hard, but there's only so much you can do when someone isn't ready, willing or able to receive your help. We were very clear about the rules about cleaning up after yourself and keeping her room clean. But I learned there are some people who truly lack the capacity to either understand what that means or have no self-awareness of how to live with other people. Would I do it again? My heart says yes, my head (and my daughter) say no.
We're also learning lessons about EB's growing independence. She and her incredibly cute boyfriend are still an item, but she still manages to spend time with other friends. With Maria in the house, EB spent as much time as she could outside of it. It bothered me tremendously that she didn't feel comfortable bringing him around because of Maria. With her gone, let's see if that changes things much. There will be separations soon, we'll be going on a vacation and he will be going away to college in the fall. I worry a little about hearts broken, but that will be a lesson learned too. If they can remain friends, or at least friendly after a fashion, this will be a good experience for her.
Then there's the lesson of driving. EB is determined to get her license in the coming months. That would be a boon for all of us, especially when (and if) I find another job. I'm not ready to retire, but while I look for the next opportunity, it will be nice not to have to factor in all her comings and goings and how I have to be responsible for that.
The warm weather beckons. The summer promises dance lessons, driving lessons, trips and college tours. No matter what the future holds, as a family, we're all good.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Chaos, confusion, conflict (and Prom 2)!
There's nothing more glorious than this time of year with recitals, proms, driving school, and college testing, said nobody, ever.
Could there be more days filled with running and strife? Well, let's see, the great sibling experiment has gone from sweetness and light to epic failure to communicate, we're counting down to the last two recitals of the year (with two shows in one of them and enough dress rehearsal machinations to choke a horse), driving school for four hours on Saturday mornings, and just to make things interesting, the first go-round of SAT and ACT testing, which apparently will determine if she gets into college or becomes homeless. No pressure, right?
Now is the time of the year when every day is a challenge, a game of beat-the-clock with all the things that need to get done, worked on, studied for, and other things that should, but won't be dealt with, so will be avoided.
Things at home began to sour between EB and her friend Maria, about three weeks after Maria moved in. At first, it was great. They would go out together, or if they were out separately, would meet up to come home together. The first hiccups came when Maria kept having to be told not to borrow EB's things without asking. Small things, mascara, clothing, towels, earrings, would inexplicably wind up in Maria's room after she was asked about it and denied knowledge. But unbeknownst to me, EB never got over an earlier problem with the house keys. See, Maria had "borrowed" her purse, and then made an incredibly stupid decision in which she collided with a parked car when she had no business driving (no license, no permit and apparently no common sense). EB's keys were lost in the car in the confusion of the crash. So EB knew about what happened, but was sworn to secrecy. When the keys finally came home because the owner of the car (who stupidly had allowed Maria to drive) showed up with them, but looking for money to fix his damaged car, the story came out.
From then, the "hiccups" got bigger, and more annoying. Maria still keeps her room like a pigsty, so while once we had thought we would allow her to stay until she finished high school, we've decided it would be best for her to find other arrangements. She finally stopped "borrowing" from EB, but only because the two had a huge argument that involved another friend. While Maria is pleasant enough to EB's dad and me, the two former good friends are more like ships that grudgingly pass in the night. And yes, I'm still telling this grown woman she has to get up and go to school, make her bed, clean her room. EB is disgusted by her and tries to stay out of her own house as much as possible. I've talked about forgiveness and compassion with EB, consequences and cleanliness with Maria. I'm just ready for both girls to get over themselves.
Then there was prom No. 2. EB again couldn't find a dress she liked and I refused to pay $200 or more for a dress she would more than likely wear only once. So we went back to Burlington Coat Factory, found an $80 dress that needed just a few adjustments to work for her. Luckily, one of my best friends knows how to make those kind of sewing miracles happen, and EB ended up loving the dress that she was first ready to throw a tantrum about. She seemed to think I cared that she threatened not to get anything. The (il)logic of a teenager is astounding. Tantrums were brewing though. She decided she didn't like the way the woman at Ulta did her makeup, although she didn't tell her. She waited until we got back in the car and then blamed me. I told her if she didn't like it, she should have spoken up, it's her face. She said I always get mad if she says something. That just wasn't true. She was just anxious and frustrated (the hairdresser was late, and traffic stunk, so once again we were rushed for time), so she decided to have a show about how ugly she looked and how it was my fault. Sorry sister, this is where I came in 15 years ago. If I could ignore your crazy rantings when you were two, I can certainly ignore them now. By the way, she looked beautiful.
Anyway, once she got home, got dressed, took a few pictures before and after incredibly cute boyfriend showed up, Cinderella was off to the ball again (good riddance). And this time, she had a ball. She got home late, exhausted, and happy. They had a great time, music and DJ were "lit" and she danced the night away. Two other girls had the same dress, another had the expensive one she wanted but didn't buy, and yet the world kept spinning on its axis. I only have to do that particular nightmare one more time. These are the times I wish I drank -- and am glad that I don't.
But we still have recitals, rehearsals, college testing and graduation (not hers, his) to get through. The calendar is filled, the tension is high and there is little relief in sight for the next month. Once again, I'll just keep swimming. I just wish it didn't feel like it was all upstream.
Could there be more days filled with running and strife? Well, let's see, the great sibling experiment has gone from sweetness and light to epic failure to communicate, we're counting down to the last two recitals of the year (with two shows in one of them and enough dress rehearsal machinations to choke a horse), driving school for four hours on Saturday mornings, and just to make things interesting, the first go-round of SAT and ACT testing, which apparently will determine if she gets into college or becomes homeless. No pressure, right?
Now is the time of the year when every day is a challenge, a game of beat-the-clock with all the things that need to get done, worked on, studied for, and other things that should, but won't be dealt with, so will be avoided.
Things at home began to sour between EB and her friend Maria, about three weeks after Maria moved in. At first, it was great. They would go out together, or if they were out separately, would meet up to come home together. The first hiccups came when Maria kept having to be told not to borrow EB's things without asking. Small things, mascara, clothing, towels, earrings, would inexplicably wind up in Maria's room after she was asked about it and denied knowledge. But unbeknownst to me, EB never got over an earlier problem with the house keys. See, Maria had "borrowed" her purse, and then made an incredibly stupid decision in which she collided with a parked car when she had no business driving (no license, no permit and apparently no common sense). EB's keys were lost in the car in the confusion of the crash. So EB knew about what happened, but was sworn to secrecy. When the keys finally came home because the owner of the car (who stupidly had allowed Maria to drive) showed up with them, but looking for money to fix his damaged car, the story came out.
From then, the "hiccups" got bigger, and more annoying. Maria still keeps her room like a pigsty, so while once we had thought we would allow her to stay until she finished high school, we've decided it would be best for her to find other arrangements. She finally stopped "borrowing" from EB, but only because the two had a huge argument that involved another friend. While Maria is pleasant enough to EB's dad and me, the two former good friends are more like ships that grudgingly pass in the night. And yes, I'm still telling this grown woman she has to get up and go to school, make her bed, clean her room. EB is disgusted by her and tries to stay out of her own house as much as possible. I've talked about forgiveness and compassion with EB, consequences and cleanliness with Maria. I'm just ready for both girls to get over themselves.
Then there was prom No. 2. EB again couldn't find a dress she liked and I refused to pay $200 or more for a dress she would more than likely wear only once. So we went back to Burlington Coat Factory, found an $80 dress that needed just a few adjustments to work for her. Luckily, one of my best friends knows how to make those kind of sewing miracles happen, and EB ended up loving the dress that she was first ready to throw a tantrum about. She seemed to think I cared that she threatened not to get anything. The (il)logic of a teenager is astounding. Tantrums were brewing though. She decided she didn't like the way the woman at Ulta did her makeup, although she didn't tell her. She waited until we got back in the car and then blamed me. I told her if she didn't like it, she should have spoken up, it's her face. She said I always get mad if she says something. That just wasn't true. She was just anxious and frustrated (the hairdresser was late, and traffic stunk, so once again we were rushed for time), so she decided to have a show about how ugly she looked and how it was my fault. Sorry sister, this is where I came in 15 years ago. If I could ignore your crazy rantings when you were two, I can certainly ignore them now. By the way, she looked beautiful.
Anyway, once she got home, got dressed, took a few pictures before and after incredibly cute boyfriend showed up, Cinderella was off to the ball again (good riddance). And this time, she had a ball. She got home late, exhausted, and happy. They had a great time, music and DJ were "lit" and she danced the night away. Two other girls had the same dress, another had the expensive one she wanted but didn't buy, and yet the world kept spinning on its axis. I only have to do that particular nightmare one more time. These are the times I wish I drank -- and am glad that I don't.
But we still have recitals, rehearsals, college testing and graduation (not hers, his) to get through. The calendar is filled, the tension is high and there is little relief in sight for the next month. Once again, I'll just keep swimming. I just wish it didn't feel like it was all upstream.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Prom! (Chapter One)
Well, the first prom of Earbaby's year is over and done with. On reflection, she says that it was just "OK." But it was such an undertaking, just getting this first one in the books.
Dress shopping for this one actually ended quite painlessly. After trying on and rejecting countless dresses with prices ranging from $200-$600, we finally found one for only $30. It was almost identical to one she tried on that cost $440, so I was thrilled. She settled on this one because "this is only junior prom. I will wait and go all out next year." I wonder who she thinks is going to pay for all that.
But prom, even junior prom, is an all-day affair. She convinced me that the teachers were OK with her being signed out of school early, to keep hair and makeup appointments. Besides she only had a couple of quizzes and she promised to make up anything she missed in her last two classes. She was more excited than she let on.
And of course this was a double dose of prom for me. Maria, even though she currently is going to a different school, was still going to the prom with a former classmate. After back and forth negotiations on the renting of a dress from a former schoolmate, she decided to go in on a party bus which was going to be departing from another friend's house. I found myself driving all over the city the day before, shopping for strapless bras and clutch bags at the last minute, figuring out how to get Maria's dress to the house where she was going to be getting ready at the following day, and trying to figure out all the logistics of the following day's activities. There was less stress and turmoil on my wedding day -- and I had my whole family coming in from out of town.
EB planned on having her makeup done after getting her hair done (both projects cost several times more than the dress, so you pay and pay no matter what). After we got back home from school, raced out to pick up lunch on our way to appointment No. 1, she started to get a little anxious. We were on time though, the hair got finished early and even though we were far south of the city, we were early for the makeup appointment north of the city.
Our plans for actually getting things done early fell apart when she couldn't get in any earlier than her appointment and the makeup artist took more than an hour. EB finally got the false eyelashes she fought me about for her sweet 16 party last year. She hated them. Said they made her eyes feel heavy. Even though they did look good and she kept them if she wants to wear them again, they weren't what she expected. Sometimes, Dorothy, you have to learn it for yourself.
Now let me say one thing. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue. I wasn't especially crazy about the makeup job that was done, but EB wanted very dramatic eyes, which added up to a lot of eye makeup, including false lashes and heavy eyebrows. With her delicate features, I thought it was a tad overdone, but she did look beautiful, so I didn't criticize. This was her prom after all, and I remember how hurt I felt when my mother criticized the turquoise nail polish I wanted to wear on my toes to match my prom dress. She told me it made my feet look dirty (it did). The fact that I could remember how badly I felt more than 45 years later kept me from saying anything to make her feel less than gorgeous. Even if in later years she'll look at herself and wonder why she wore such heavy makeup, she'll also know that she wanted to look and feel that way that day.
And worst of all, we only managed a couple of shots with her and the incredibly cute boyfriend, before she, cold and exasperated by the mere presence of her parents with cameras, decided they really had to go! For all those parents whose children patiently allowed them to take picture after picture to commemorate more separation of your money, I envy you. EB barely stuck around long enough to snatch a $20 from her father's hand before she was off and running.
So it was a little disappointing that she said the food wasn't great (pizza and chicken nuggets, what are we five?), the dance floor was small, there was no professional photographer and although other people were taking pictures, she didn't get any more. Then she went to bed, slept until the crack of noon and got ready to go out and later meet up for another friend's birthday party. I felt a little better when Maria came home and raved about how much fun she had. At least it wasn't a total washout for both teens in this house.
Well, it could be worse. I could have to go through this all over again with Earbaby next month. Oh wait. I do.
Dress shopping for this one actually ended quite painlessly. After trying on and rejecting countless dresses with prices ranging from $200-$600, we finally found one for only $30. It was almost identical to one she tried on that cost $440, so I was thrilled. She settled on this one because "this is only junior prom. I will wait and go all out next year." I wonder who she thinks is going to pay for all that.
But prom, even junior prom, is an all-day affair. She convinced me that the teachers were OK with her being signed out of school early, to keep hair and makeup appointments. Besides she only had a couple of quizzes and she promised to make up anything she missed in her last two classes. She was more excited than she let on.
And of course this was a double dose of prom for me. Maria, even though she currently is going to a different school, was still going to the prom with a former classmate. After back and forth negotiations on the renting of a dress from a former schoolmate, she decided to go in on a party bus which was going to be departing from another friend's house. I found myself driving all over the city the day before, shopping for strapless bras and clutch bags at the last minute, figuring out how to get Maria's dress to the house where she was going to be getting ready at the following day, and trying to figure out all the logistics of the following day's activities. There was less stress and turmoil on my wedding day -- and I had my whole family coming in from out of town.
EB planned on having her makeup done after getting her hair done (both projects cost several times more than the dress, so you pay and pay no matter what). After we got back home from school, raced out to pick up lunch on our way to appointment No. 1, she started to get a little anxious. We were on time though, the hair got finished early and even though we were far south of the city, we were early for the makeup appointment north of the city.
Our plans for actually getting things done early fell apart when she couldn't get in any earlier than her appointment and the makeup artist took more than an hour. EB finally got the false eyelashes she fought me about for her sweet 16 party last year. She hated them. Said they made her eyes feel heavy. Even though they did look good and she kept them if she wants to wear them again, they weren't what she expected. Sometimes, Dorothy, you have to learn it for yourself.
Now let me say one thing. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue. I wasn't especially crazy about the makeup job that was done, but EB wanted very dramatic eyes, which added up to a lot of eye makeup, including false lashes and heavy eyebrows. With her delicate features, I thought it was a tad overdone, but she did look beautiful, so I didn't criticize. This was her prom after all, and I remember how hurt I felt when my mother criticized the turquoise nail polish I wanted to wear on my toes to match my prom dress. She told me it made my feet look dirty (it did). The fact that I could remember how badly I felt more than 45 years later kept me from saying anything to make her feel less than gorgeous. Even if in later years she'll look at herself and wonder why she wore such heavy makeup, she'll also know that she wanted to look and feel that way that day.
And worst of all, we only managed a couple of shots with her and the incredibly cute boyfriend, before she, cold and exasperated by the mere presence of her parents with cameras, decided they really had to go! For all those parents whose children patiently allowed them to take picture after picture to commemorate more separation of your money, I envy you. EB barely stuck around long enough to snatch a $20 from her father's hand before she was off and running.
So it was a little disappointing that she said the food wasn't great (pizza and chicken nuggets, what are we five?), the dance floor was small, there was no professional photographer and although other people were taking pictures, she didn't get any more. Then she went to bed, slept until the crack of noon and got ready to go out and later meet up for another friend's birthday party. I felt a little better when Maria came home and raved about how much fun she had. At least it wasn't a total washout for both teens in this house.
Well, it could be worse. I could have to go through this all over again with Earbaby next month. Oh wait. I do.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
The First Beau
Of course I knew this time would come.
As Earbaby moved through high school, and she would talk about some of her friends dating, I would ask her from time to time if there was anyone she was interested in.
No, she would often reply, all the boys I know are so foolish and immature. No one you're interested in? No one who is interesting, would be the answer. But junior year was a little bit different. EB has always had a pretty good sense of self. She has always been self-assured and unself-conscious around male friends in a way her mother was not at that age. I was of course comfortable with those classmates I had known since elementary school, but the ones I met in high school were mysterious creatures, especially those I found interesting.
I've always tried to keep the lines of communication open, even while trying to respect her privacy. No snooping through her emails or texts (as if I could actually even pry that phone out of her hands anyway), or even putting locator or other spy-on-your-teen apps or software on her phone or computer. I have to trust her. I didn't appreciate my mother snooping through my diary (thank God for those little locks) or letters and even though I've been dying of curiosity sometimes, I have allowed her the dignity of her life lived without a helicopter.
But by the time she was halfway through her 16th year, I knew she would soon be dating. She's both smart and pretty, a fact that I can claim no credit or even vanity for since she looks more like her dad than her mom. And sometimes friends would joke about (or she would casually mention) store clerks or fellow train riders who would try and engage her in conversation. Most times they would be met with an eye roll.
But the day she mentioned that some of the members of another school's football team were cute (and she said it to me!), I thought, this is the year she finds someone interesting.
And so, I had to grow up.
Parents of daughters have different fears than parents of sons. We all worry about reckless behavior from teenagers who are still our babies, even as they become adults in training. But with all the news stories of daughters being hurt by boys at parties, boys in cars, boys in packs, we as parents have to take deep cleansing breaths and remember that all teenage boys aren't rapists. In fact, almost all are not. But those aren't the ones we hear about, we only hear and read about the ones who feed our fears.
EB has a great group of male friends. Sometimes they hang out together. They seem to be all straight-arrow kids, no underage drinking or getting high (yes, those kids actually exist, you cynics) and EB wouldn't waste her time with any other kind of kid. "They're literally like my brothers," she assures me. And I know if she's with this merry band of brothers whose nickname for themselves is a food item, she's safe. She will go and hang out with them, argue and laugh with them, shop and eat with them and roll her eyes at them. "They are so foolish, but I love them," she says.
They've been to the house, they are silly, nice kids who are always respectful and polite to her parents. I had forgotten that teenage boys can be as goofy and giggly as girls. And that they're all still kids.
So this is where we were when a new name started appearing in her conversations. He goes to a different school, is a senior this year, and they met at a party. The first outing was a double-date with her best friend.
And slowly his name started coming up more and more, information fed bit by bit like doling out bread bits to pigeons. EB didn't want to say much, she seemed self-conscious about liking someone. Or maybe about realizing that someone liked her. It took a while before we learned how they met and what her friends thought of him (the food group friends really like him, which is of great comfort to me). I knew she really liked him when he came to pick her up and I told her he had to come in and meet us (you're taking out my daughter? I want to be able to at least pick you out of a lineup). "Don't be weird, don't be weird," she begged us as he parked the car and came in. And for the 10 seconds we introduced ourselves and told them to have a good time, apparently her dad and I managed not to thoroughly humiliate her.
Now she can admit to herself and us that she is in a relationship. They talk and/or text probably daily, but not obsessively. He has a job after school and on weekends, and she dances at three studios and babysits part time. She still sees some of her friends independent of him.
But this change in relationship status is not without its bumps.
She now has to figure out how to navigate the girl drama of friends whose noses seem a little out of joint that she has someone else in her life and isn't at their beck and call. After months of going out every weekend at some party (any party!) or dinner or something, now she is a bit more discerning with her time. Parties have lost some of their luster, and not because of the boyfriend. But the girls are putting that out there. I reminded her when we talked about their change in attitude, that these friends often depended on her for their ride. None of the other parents were picking up, dropping off, making sure everyone got home safely the way her dad and I did. I believe her expanding her social life put a crimp in their guaranteed livery service. My husband and I always wanted to make sure EB got home safely, the friends were the collateral beneficiaries.
Relationships, old ones, new ones, are ever-changing. There are no fixed marks for Earbaby this year.
Are we worried? No more than we should be. For years I've talked about relationships with EB. You don't stay where you're not comfortable, if you're not being treated well, leave, you have the right to dignity and respect. These rules apply in every relationship, whether romantic or platonic.
It's a new phase in the life of my daughter. She's growing up.
I hope I'm ready for this.
As Earbaby moved through high school, and she would talk about some of her friends dating, I would ask her from time to time if there was anyone she was interested in.
No, she would often reply, all the boys I know are so foolish and immature. No one you're interested in? No one who is interesting, would be the answer. But junior year was a little bit different. EB has always had a pretty good sense of self. She has always been self-assured and unself-conscious around male friends in a way her mother was not at that age. I was of course comfortable with those classmates I had known since elementary school, but the ones I met in high school were mysterious creatures, especially those I found interesting.
I've always tried to keep the lines of communication open, even while trying to respect her privacy. No snooping through her emails or texts (as if I could actually even pry that phone out of her hands anyway), or even putting locator or other spy-on-your-teen apps or software on her phone or computer. I have to trust her. I didn't appreciate my mother snooping through my diary (thank God for those little locks) or letters and even though I've been dying of curiosity sometimes, I have allowed her the dignity of her life lived without a helicopter.
But by the time she was halfway through her 16th year, I knew she would soon be dating. She's both smart and pretty, a fact that I can claim no credit or even vanity for since she looks more like her dad than her mom. And sometimes friends would joke about (or she would casually mention) store clerks or fellow train riders who would try and engage her in conversation. Most times they would be met with an eye roll.
But the day she mentioned that some of the members of another school's football team were cute (and she said it to me!), I thought, this is the year she finds someone interesting.
And so, I had to grow up.
Parents of daughters have different fears than parents of sons. We all worry about reckless behavior from teenagers who are still our babies, even as they become adults in training. But with all the news stories of daughters being hurt by boys at parties, boys in cars, boys in packs, we as parents have to take deep cleansing breaths and remember that all teenage boys aren't rapists. In fact, almost all are not. But those aren't the ones we hear about, we only hear and read about the ones who feed our fears.
EB has a great group of male friends. Sometimes they hang out together. They seem to be all straight-arrow kids, no underage drinking or getting high (yes, those kids actually exist, you cynics) and EB wouldn't waste her time with any other kind of kid. "They're literally like my brothers," she assures me. And I know if she's with this merry band of brothers whose nickname for themselves is a food item, she's safe. She will go and hang out with them, argue and laugh with them, shop and eat with them and roll her eyes at them. "They are so foolish, but I love them," she says.
They've been to the house, they are silly, nice kids who are always respectful and polite to her parents. I had forgotten that teenage boys can be as goofy and giggly as girls. And that they're all still kids.
So this is where we were when a new name started appearing in her conversations. He goes to a different school, is a senior this year, and they met at a party. The first outing was a double-date with her best friend.
And slowly his name started coming up more and more, information fed bit by bit like doling out bread bits to pigeons. EB didn't want to say much, she seemed self-conscious about liking someone. Or maybe about realizing that someone liked her. It took a while before we learned how they met and what her friends thought of him (the food group friends really like him, which is of great comfort to me). I knew she really liked him when he came to pick her up and I told her he had to come in and meet us (you're taking out my daughter? I want to be able to at least pick you out of a lineup). "Don't be weird, don't be weird," she begged us as he parked the car and came in. And for the 10 seconds we introduced ourselves and told them to have a good time, apparently her dad and I managed not to thoroughly humiliate her.
Now she can admit to herself and us that she is in a relationship. They talk and/or text probably daily, but not obsessively. He has a job after school and on weekends, and she dances at three studios and babysits part time. She still sees some of her friends independent of him.
But this change in relationship status is not without its bumps.
She now has to figure out how to navigate the girl drama of friends whose noses seem a little out of joint that she has someone else in her life and isn't at their beck and call. After months of going out every weekend at some party (any party!) or dinner or something, now she is a bit more discerning with her time. Parties have lost some of their luster, and not because of the boyfriend. But the girls are putting that out there. I reminded her when we talked about their change in attitude, that these friends often depended on her for their ride. None of the other parents were picking up, dropping off, making sure everyone got home safely the way her dad and I did. I believe her expanding her social life put a crimp in their guaranteed livery service. My husband and I always wanted to make sure EB got home safely, the friends were the collateral beneficiaries.
Relationships, old ones, new ones, are ever-changing. There are no fixed marks for Earbaby this year.
Are we worried? No more than we should be. For years I've talked about relationships with EB. You don't stay where you're not comfortable, if you're not being treated well, leave, you have the right to dignity and respect. These rules apply in every relationship, whether romantic or platonic.
It's a new phase in the life of my daughter. She's growing up.
I hope I'm ready for this.
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